Here it is, Ladies and Gentleman. OLD SCHOOL RAW! *squee!* So excited for this. We even open with old school graphics and the arena in Hershey, PA is decked out in WWF regalia, complete with METAL audience barricades. Annnnd, Cole announces himself and King as McMahon and Ventura... and uses the word Vintage in the first 3 seconds of the show, lol. WHAT DOES JUSTIN HAVE ON HIS HEAD!? Ohman, such a bad wig. So, our MC for the night is Mean Gene Okerlund! Nice. Agh, all of this is so epic already.
Gene's first guest is "Cowboy" Bob Orton, who comes out wearing his trademark cast. Gene is about to announce Randy Orton's entrance, but Bob Orton says that Randy didn't realise the show started an hour early... so he still isn't there. Sorry, Hollywood, I only show up 5 minutes before the show; when did Orton become a Primadonna. Also, was anyone else confused by what Bob Orton said about teachers and Cena being the guest ref? I was... maybe I just wasn't listening closely enough (I do have an ear infection of sorts, so it is a little hard to hear).
Anyway, Orton Sr. is rambling away and all of a sudden is interrupted by Barrett's music and Barrett comes out with this "who the fuck is this old dude ruining my show" look on his face. He tells Orton Sr. to listen closely because he will defeat Orton to win the WWE title. Barrett, in true heel fashion, tells Orton Sr. (and Okerlund, lol) that the only reason he didn't bring The Nexus with him to beat them up is because he wants them to be fully conscious when he beats Orton Jr. on Sunday.
After all of that, The Miz comes out and pulls the incredulous card. Really. Best part of this bit "Squinty Orton eyes" ... yes. Maybe I do love Miz's promos. I might have to start admitting that. Anyway, Miz threatens to cash in, maybe even tonight to foil Barrett's plans for Survivor Series. Miz looks so impressed with himself and Barrett kind of has this look like "I'm pissed off about that, but I don't want you to know it." Miz points out that if this happens, Cena would have to be in The Nexus forever, lol. So, obviously Cena isn't too happy about that and he pops up on the JumboTron. "Miz! Hey! You've got this weird gift of just ruining every single thing you touch. I dunno how you do it. It's fascinating, actually."
Cena tells Miz he's going to make sure nothing gets cashed in tonight, because he wants to GTFO of Nexus. Cena says tonight he will protect Barrett from a cash-in because Cena is challenging the Miz to a match. Cena says if Miz is as awesome as he says he is, he should accept. Alex Riley tries to talk Miz out of it, but Miz isn't having it and he says he makes the decisions around here, and he accepts Cena's match. Love A-Ry's RAW is WAR shirt, BTW! Awesome! Too bad that kid got pulled over for a DUI :( We'll see what happens with that.Dolph Ziggler (c) (w/ Vickie Guerrero) v. Mark Henry
Interpromotional match here. Love seeing the Smackdown! stars on Raw. So, they do an old school picture-in-picture promo from Dolph while he's doing his ring entrance. And he says that he and Vickie are the hottest couple since Macho Man and Elizabeth. I lol'd. I lol'd harder when he said the sweetest thing in Hershey isn't the chocolate and then looked at Vickie.
So... continuing with old school revivals... out comes Dolph's opponent "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry. Hilarious. This is almost as bad as Viscera in the cigar jacket trying to seduce Lillian. So, at this point, Cole is already complaining that this whole "old school" thing is getting carried away, and then he turns into the Primadonna complaining that he and king actually have to sit on steel chairs to do commentating and then demands his leather chair. Lol. So, it's official, Cole is just really crabby cuz he has hemorrhoids. That's why he wants the soft chair. Yup, went there. "Do you know how uncomfortable it is for me every week sitting next to you? Doesn't matter what kinda chair we're in!" "You're a Cole Miner!"
bahaha, best exchange ever.
I'm a little confused by the WWF ring-theme though. Don't they blur out the WWF logo on WWE Vintage Collection when they show old matches? If so, why are they able to show it here? Maybe it's a different logo they blur. And only in Hershey, PA would you ever hear a "chocolate" chant, might I point out. Another thing I'm confused about: I don't follow NXT, so maybe I missed something, but what happened with the Kaitlyn love triangle. That just kinda fizzled away, didn't it?
Just noticed, even the refs have old school gear on! That totally makes me miss Hebner! That man could really pull off the bow tie, lol. And about 5 minutes after I notice that, Cole points it out and also adds that they look like Chippendales. Lol. Not so much...
So, Dolph tries everything he can to put Henry away, but Henry keeps kicking out. Dolph finally locks in the Sleeper, and puts Henry out. Love that they're really selling that finisher. Dolph wins.
After this match, we cut backstage to DH Smith and Tyson Kidd. They've had a couple of scuffles lately with Kidd becoming a bit of a turn-coat, but it looks as if here they are trying to reconcile (even if Kidd has this really smug look of betrayal about him). Also, who the fuck tucks their t-shirt into their trunks, honestly??
And to make this segment even worse, Tony Atlas is there... and he's talking... rambling. Please tell me he isn't going to start laughing. ...Oh, Lord... he has a can of... WD...40 .... and he's spraying it on his skin. Weird. As soon as Atlas turns his back, the Hart Dynasty run away. Good call. As we cut to commercial you can hear King saying "Is that WD40!?"
LOL. Yes, yes it is. And then we return from commercial and Atlas is still blabbering away, while trying to tape his wrists and doing a poor job and taping them together. Yoshi Tatsu (wow, he still works for WWE? When was the last time we saw him?) is there now, and looks just as unimpressed as I am right now, lol. He then mimes stabbing himself in the abdomen to escape the torture that is Tony Atlas. Wow.Heath Slater (c) & Justin Gabriel (c) v. The Hart Dynasty
So, earlier this week, Jeff Hardy made fun of the new WWE Tag Team belts on his Twitter. Which I thought was a hilariousness of epic proportions considering how terrible his new Immortal title on TNA looks. It's hideous! It looks like the Diva's title almost. It's silver and purple and hideous! AGH! Can't even fathom that he'd go there, lol. Just leave it alone, Jeff. Basically, that belt is going to stay on Hardy for an incredibly long time... just because no one else will actually want to be seen in public with it.
Match starts out with DH Smith and Justin Gabriel squaring off. Smith looks like he has the match won with 3 Suplexes on Gabriel, but Slater breaks up the cover. Shortly after, Slater tags in and Smith starts to work on him. Gabriel tries to hit Smith from the apron and the distraction is enough for Slater to gain the upper hand. Quick tags in and out and they have Smith isolated in their corner and have gained the upper hand over the larger man.
Slater bounces off the top turnbuckle after Smith side steps him. Finally, Smith is able to get to his corner to make a tag, but Kidd side steps the tag and then kicks Smith in the face and leaves. Smith, unable to make a tag, and dumbfounded by his partner's further betrayal is hit by Gabriel with the 450° Splash. Gabriel really worked fast to take advantage of that, and wasted no time getting the cover either. Usually he has time to clutch his ribs after the Splash, but here the pin was crucial. Still feel really bad for that gorgeous man's ribs every week, though. Kidd looks really proud with himself, too.
Backstage, Orton Jr. has finally arrived. R-Truth tells Orton what he needs to do. Orton is sick of everyone knowing what to do, but has a plan of his own. Orton says he's going to Punt Cena in the head tonight. Is it just me or does it always look like Orton is wearing shirts cut for women? The arms are really tight (ok, he has huge biceps) but they're also a lot shorter than sleeves would be on a regular men's t-shirt. And, the sides of the shirt cut in really close to his body as though the shirt is tapered for a woman's figure. It's kinda weird. Just my observation though. Sad bit about this segment, you can see Okerlund's hand shaking pretty badly when he's holding the mic :(The Brooklyn Brawler (w/ Harvey Wippleman) v. Ezekiel Jackson
This match is already awesome, because Hall of Famer Howard Finkel is back to announce it! Awesome. Love the I ♥ Mayonnaise sign (re: Sheamus) behind Finkel during this. Also, this: "Harvey Wippleman! Remember he was once the Women's' Champion!"
Is it just me or does Brawler look like the lovechild of Sandman and Vladimir Kozlov? Anyway, he's pissed because Hershey apparently doesn't respect Old School and he wanted a standing ovation for his entrance but didn't get one. So, Wippleman announces that Brawler is now having an open challenge against anyone from the new school who is willing to take him on. Also, another great line from Cole: "Is that Mike Chioda with the, uh, Charles Robinson hairdo?"
OHGOD. Chioda in a wig. Most hilarious thing ever.
So, after a bit of time, Ezekiel Jackson comes out to accept Brawler's challenge. When Zeke comes out, Cole welcomes Brawler to 2011... This just in, Cole lives in the future! I think we need to recalibrate his flux capacitor.
Anyway, thankfully for the old man in the ring, Zeke makes quick work of this match. Surprisingly, Chioda was able to keep his wig on for the entire run of that match! Maybe that's why it was such a short match... they wanted Chioda to be able to keep his hair on.
After that, we cut backstage to The Nexus and Cena. CeNexus backstage stuff is always so great!John Cena v. The Miz (w/ Alex Riley)
So, lol, during Cena's entrance he tosses his hat like usual, but he botches that and it lands back inside the ring, so he makes a :| face and picks it up and gives it to a little kid at ring side. Cute. The kid doesn't look very impressed though, lol. Then Cena fixes Chioda's wig, lol.
So, The Miz starts out running his mouth. Says that Cena sanctioned the match, not the GM, so The Miz is going to make a substitution if the GM does not mind. Nothing from the GM, so Miz announces that Alex Riley will be taking his place in the match. Presumably so that The Miz can still cash in against Orton tonight.
During this match, Cole addresses the fact that he said it was 2011... twice. Apparently, Old School is really getting to him. lol.
So, Miz gets a cheap shot in on Cena while the ref is busy with A-Ry and A-Ry gets an advantage in the match after Cena embarrassed him in the early minutes. Can A-Ry stay on top? Probably not. Anyway, about 3 minutes after that, Cena is able to make quick work of Alex Riley submitting him with the STF after telling The Miz "you can't see me."
Then, Orton runs in, apparently to take on The Miz (not Cena). But then, McGillicutty and Harris swarm Orton. Orton is able to fight them off and then he stares down with Cena. Orton looks so different with hair, btw, lol. And is it just me? He looks skinnier? Like how Angle got real gaunt when he moved to TNA, but maybe not that back. So, Cena and Orton go at it and 4 refs try to get them to stop fighting. Then a bunch of dudes in suits also get into the ring to break things up (who are those guys, btw??). Annnd then the GM has to chime in.
The GM announces that Cena and Orton will sort their differences out later tonight on Piper's Pit! Yay! Roddy Piper's back! Hopefully this time he isn't reading his lines off of his hand like he did when he was at the MSG show.
Cut to commercial, then this happened:
I lol'd.The Foreign Legion Old School & New School
Ohman! Nikolai Volkoff and The Iron Sheik! The Foreign Legion! Awesome! And, Finkel announces that Volkoff will sing the Soviet National Anthem. For the first few seconds the audience is respectful of the Hall of Famer, but then there are a few scant boos, and then out comes Santino and Vladimir Kozlov.
Santino says that Kozlov wants to sing with Volkoff. This should be good! lol. Annnd there the USA chants start, and Kozlov, who's laughing is just like "Oh!" I felt a little bad. Anyway, they're both terrible singers for this. And even Santino can't contain his laughter. He has to stop them short, and Kozlov looks pretty perplexed lol. Santino has a song he wants to sing. What, is he the new Jillian? Anyway, he wants the help of Slick (an Old School manager) to sing. While Slick is singing, Sheik tries to say something, but I have no idea what he was saying (due to the accent, the singing and my ear infection combined, lol).
I also find it a little disturbing that Sheik is wearing a shirt with his own image on it. It's a little strange. Sheik then starts berating USA and saying Russia and Iran are number one, and Santino tries to be a mediator saying "he's a legend!" ...is that supposed to make us feel better?
Anyway, out come the Usos for their match with Tamina and Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka.Santino & Vladimir Kozlov v. The Usos (w/ Tamina & Jimmy Snuka)
So, the winner of this match will receive a shot at the tag titles. Pretty important stuff. I'd have to guess that The Usos are gonna pull out the win.
Anyway, somehow The Cobra won the match for Santino and Kozlov. So, they will get a shot at the tag titles. Then, Sheamus runs in... takes out Kozlov, takes out an Uso and then goes after Sheamus. I'm betting Tamina saves Santino's ass. NOPE! John Morrison runs out and takes on Sheamus. I guess we'll see a program between these two. Perhaps a nice set up for Morrison to be WWE Champion soon. Morrison finally explains why he's doing this: Sheamus is a bully, and Morrison is willing to fight. Sheamus, however, backs down and heads backstage.David Otunga v. Kofi Kingston
This match was made by the GM when Barrett wanted Otunga to face R-Truth, but the GM said he had a special match for Otunga instead and Barrett would be facing Truth. So, the opponent is... Kofi Kingston! I really wish I could get excited about this match, but I can't. Sorry.
OHMYGOD! So, during this match, out comes George "The Animal" Steele, complete with a green tongue. Wandering around like an old man escaped from the retirement home. So, he starts going crazy at the turnbuckle, and the ref tries to control him, so he goes after a different turnbuckle and starts eating it. Hey, I would too! It's filled with popcorn! Otunga is so confused at this point. I bet he doesn't even know who George Steele. So... the distraction is enough for Kingston to take advantage of Otunga. He throws him into the exposed turnbuckle, hits Trouble in Paradise and picks up the pinfall win, as George Steele wanders back out of the arena. Lol. So weird. "Did you say George "The Animal" Steele has a cyst!?""Classic George Steele!" "Not 'vintage'?" "I used that already."
So, some weird shit went down backstage where Aksana was like, kidnapped and Goldust decided to return the Million Dollar Belt to DiBiase Sr. and then DiBiase Jr. says he wants something other than a hand-me-down. Jim Duggan was there too, and so was Cody Rhodes and Dusty Rhodes... what a weird-ass segment. IRS and some other old dudes were there. Then Tatanka and Kelly Kelly showed up and everyone had an impromptu dance party. AND WAIT FOR IT....
The best thing that could've happened to end this segment! Because it was exactly what I was thinking!!!! "DAMN!"
from Faarooq! Awesome!R-Truth (w/ Eve) v. Wade Barrett
So, during Truth's entrance, Cole raps over Truth's rapping. All I heard was "Crunk! Junk! Skunk! That stunk!" Hilarious! Almost makes me forget how much I miss JR.
To end the match, Barrett tries for Wasteland, Truth counters, but then runs into a Big Boot from Barrett and Barrett sets up Wasteland for a second time. This time, he hits the finisher and wins via pinfall.Alberto Del Rio v. Sgt. Slaughter
So, Tito Santana and Chavo Classic come out with Del Rio for his entrance. Del Rio runs his mouth and then out comes Sgt. Slaughter with the interruption. Thank goodness. "You puke! Scum! Maggot
!" annnnd cue the USA! chants. Lol. Nice.
Surprisingly, Del Rio accepts the match. Remember how long it too him to accept a match with Mysterio and Christian? Anyway, he calls for a ref, and in pops Chioda -- sans wig! What happened to the wig?? *sadface*
Sarge tries to lock in the Cobra Clutch twice, but can't. Del Rio eventually wins the match and then tries to break Sarge's arm after the bell rings. Then MVP runs out to save Sarge and challenge Del Rio. The crowd is actually fully behind MVP and we even get an MVP chant. That was a little surprising for me. Feel sorry for Sarge though, kind thought he was gonna pwn Del Rio.
After that, and after a lame WM27 ticket sales package, Gene Okerlund introduces Mae Young who comes out with the assistance of the Bella Twins. I love old people, so much.
They show a package of Mae Young moments, mostly her kissing a bunch of people, lol. At least she can still laugh at herself. Anyway, Okerlund is trying to have a, er, heartwarming moment and then LayCool come out to tear her up. "Is this Old School Raw? Or, like, Jurassic Park?"
And then they tease her about the fact that they have a Championship and Mae never had one. Actually, this was kinda sad, just because I find old people so endearing.
Okerlund asks if Mae has anything to say. And Mae says "I want you to give me a match with these sluts! [...] you little bitches! Let's go!"
annnnd she wants it to be no DQ. LayCool try to run away from her, and the Bellas still have to help her walk (still sad!) Anyway. Mae gets the back up of all of the Divas, and then LayCool try to high-tail it, but the Divas attack them. Mae even slaps the make-up off of Layla. And thanks to a comment from LayCool, it's also falls count anywhere. So, Mae puts her foot on the downed Layla and a ref runs in from nowhere and gives the 3 count. Glad Mae got some revenge.Jack Swagger v. Daniel Bryan (c)
So, before this match.... OHGOD... Finkel announces that THERE IS A GUEST COMMENTATOR FOR THE MATCH... GOOD OLD JR!!!! Cole is furious! LMAO. I definitely expected a bigger audience pop for JR, though. JR totally cold-shoulders Cole too. It's awesome.
Would've loved to see JR call one of the Dolph v. Bryan matches, but I guess this will have to do. Love how proud Daniel Bryan looks to be here tonight, though, too.
Also, I love when King picks on Cole. "You could write your life story on a piece of confetti!"
and I love when they cut back to the announcers and Cole looks like he's sleeping. Annnd JR just keeps ignoring him, lol. I love when the commentary is more exciting than the match.
As we go to commercial Cole says he hopes the match ends during commercial so that by the time we return JR is already on a plane back to Oklahoma, and then asks where Vince's personal jet is so that they can get him out of there. Meanwhile, King is encouraging JR to just knock Cole the fuck out, lol. We return from commercial to see this (LOL!):
Best part of this match is the epically glorious Missile Dropkick from Daniel Bryan at about the half-way point of the match. And Cole begging for the match to end so he can be rid of JR. "How about a little less talk and a little more shut the hell up!?"
lol King. Cole then promises to get a white cowboy hat for next week and sell his own BBQ sauce, then he starts yelling "BOOMER SOONER!" when Daniel Bryan kicks Swagger's head off.
Anyway, after the match, DiBiase comes out and attacks Daniel Bryan. Guess we have a new contender for the US title. What the fuck is up with DiBiase's dirty ass beard? I am a huge fan of beards, but that sorry excuse for scruff is just gross, and dirty. Anyway, DiBiase lays out Bryan and then takes his belt, stares at it enviously and then lays it on the downed Bryan.
Cole then quickly ushers JR out. JR continues to ignore him. Poor JR, lol. When JR finally does leave, he smacks Cole around a bit with his cowboy hat. Cole just yells things at him while he walks away like, "That's unprofessional! Why don't you grow up! I run this place! He can't do that to me!" LOLOLOLOLOL.
Before the Piper's Pit segment, we get to review all of the Legends who spent the night with us on RAW this week. Here they are (minus Piper who is still to come):Piper's Pit: Rowdy Roddy Piper, Randy Orton & John Cena
I have to say, Roddy Piper looks A LOT better here than he did at the MSG show (either earlier this year, or last year). So, I'm expecting him not to have to read lines off of his hand this time. he actually looks good! Last time he looked so haggard and drunk. He looks like a healthy old man now! Proud of you, Roddy! Honestly, it's like night and day. I swear this is a different person, lol.
Roddy even calls Barrett an SOB. Ahaha, I marked so hard. He guilt trips Cena, too. Saying that if he gives Barrett the WWE title, it's equivalent to spitting in the face of all the Legends and Hall of Famers who never won the WWE title, including Roddy Piper himself. Piper urges Cena to do the right thing.
Cena admits that he might not know what the right thing is because, "It's not that easy."
Piper starts to interrupt, but Cena begs him to listen. Cena says he is full of respect for every single Legend. He even gets a little choked up, it seems. Cena says he's done a lot of thinking... he doesn't want to be the guy that just gives the title to Barrett. Then some kid in the audience screams out "NEVER GIVE UP!"
and Cena's breaks just to say, "You're damn right."
... I dunno why, but I enjoyed that bit. Cena then says that whoever wins will have to earn it and he promises to call the match right down the middle regardless of the consequences.
Then, Barrett comes out, because obviously he's not happy with that. Barrett agrees with Cena, and says that he doesn't need Cena's help either way. Barrett compliments Cena on being a great wordsmith, but says that the fact they are only words is just the problem. He says Cena needs to face the reality that if Barrett doesn't win, Cena is finished. BTW, who the hell invited Barrett to the Pit? I thought this was supposed to be Cena and Orton. Anyway, Piper promptly tells Barrett to shut up and then yells at him, "Look at me when I'm talkin' to you!"
when Barrett looks away. Piper tells Barrett that if he lets Cena just hand him the title he's nothing but a joke. Cena just stands back, watching and trying not to laugh. Barrett's a little peeved at this point and wondering who the fuck Piper thinks he is.
Barrett then points out that this is Cena's final Raw as part of the Nexus perhaps his final Raw ever, so he wants to do something. OHMYGOD I GOT CHILLS BECAUSE I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AS SOON AS HE SAID IT... BARRETT IS FINALLY GOING TO MAKE CENA WEAR THE NEXUS SHIRT OR ELSE HE WILL FIRE HIM ON THE SPOT OHGOD MARKING OUT SO HARD RIGHT NOW IT'S RIDICULOUS!!!!! NOT ENOUGH CAPS TO CONTAIN MY MARKING!! AGH!!
So, clearly I am not watching this live since this review is late. Which also means that I obviously saw spoilers while this was actually on, and shortly after. I saw spoilers about JR, spoilers about Mae, BUT SOMEHOW THIS NEVER CAME UP IN THE SPOILERS AND MAN AM I GLAD BECAUSE SEEING THIS WITHOUT KNOWING IS SO ENTIRELY EPIC AGH!!!!
Cena promises to "turn [Barrett's] face into mush"
as soon as the match is over on Sunday. Barrett promises that although Nexus is banned from ringside during the match, as soon as it is over, they will come out to neutralize any threat at all.
Finally, Orton comes out. He's the real second guest for this edition of Piper's Pit. I guess he's just fashionably late... it's what Primadonnas do, right?
Orton's still pissed that Cena counted 1-2-3 on him last week, so he really wants to Punt him. Cena's just kinda like "well, what's stopping you?" Orton says nothing is stopping him, but that he has a better solution. Instead, Orton goes after Barrett. Piper and Cena just stand back and watch the chaos. Where's The Nexus to save Barrett?
Interestingly enough, just when Orton is about to strike, Cena steps in between them. But as soon as Cena's gaze shifts to Barrett, he gets hit with an RKO and Orton goes after him looking for the Punt. Orton can't find it and instead finds and Attitude Adjustment from an angry Cena.
Barrett then orders Cena to raise his hand in victory. Cena starts to but then pulls Barrett into an Attitude Adjustment, too. After Barrett is laid out, Cena rips off the Nexus shirt and tosses it onto Barrett. So much for a Cena heel turn. But what I don't get, is that if Barrett came out all saying he was ok with Cena calling it down the middle, and saying he could beat any Superstar without Cena's help... why wouldn't he just fire Cena anyway?